'Hammer & tickle'

Essays: 'Hammer & tickle' by Ben Lewis | Prospect Magazine May 2006 issue 122: "A man dies and goes to hell. There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell. There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. 'What's it like in there?' asks the visitor. 'Well,' the devil replies, 'in capitalist hell, they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.'

'That's terrible!' he gasps. 'I'm going to check out communist hell!' He goes over to communist hell, where he discovers a huge queue of people waiting to get in. He waits in line. Eventually he gets to the front and there at the door to communist hell is a little old man who looks a bit like Karl Marx. 'I'm still in the free world, Karl,' he says, 'and before I come in, I want to know what it's like in there.'

'In communist hell,' says Marx impatiently, 'they flay you alive, then they boil you in oil, and then they cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives.'

'But ... but that's the same as capitalist hell!' protests the visitor, 'Why such a long queue?'

'Well,' sighs Marx, 'Sometimes we're out of oil, sometimes we don't have knives, sometimes no hot water ...'"